The Vice President of Strategy

Strategia kuvituskuva

Teemu Möykkylä

Hello dear reader! My friends call me VP. But for you, I am VP of Strategy. And I am the master of corporate strategy.

I guess it all starts from my childhood. In kindergarten I showed early on excellent capability for leadership in games, my toys were in order and I completed my colouring book with flying colours. After nailing my SATs with 1700 points, my ambitions were only briefly fulfilled, because isn’t the perfect score normally only 1600?

After gaining my master’s from Yale and doctorate from Harvard, I earned three back-to-back promotions in an unnamed Big Four -company. My MBA I ate for breakfast in London (in Ritz).

Intelligent, logical, and analytical – that’s how they describe me. The left part of my brain is obviously more dominant than Tom Brady and the Patriots on their heyday. Not that I watch football. It’s quite an unintelligent sport. My hobbies include playing chess in national championships, self-improvement, and triathlons. Well for me, the word ”hobby” is a kind of floccinaucinihilipilification. Everything I do, I do to the fullest. 

I’m able to model perfect business strategies using only my head. But for purely communicational reasons, I’m forced to use Microsoft Excel. In my strategies, I use multiple focus areas, enablers, key success factors, and all the dimensions of the Balanced Scorecard. All the objectives and actions are multi-dimensionally linked to the aforementioned and also to the budget, Hoshin Kanri Matrix, and my CEO’s tax return.

At this point of this text, even you must surely understand that in my strategy, all the figures and actions link to each other perfectly. Well, multiple times perfectly, because as I told you there are multiple dimensions in my strategy. The Excel model I built consists of seven interleafs which are integrated to Sharepoint, SAP, CRM, our competitors’ SAP, labor union’s CRM, and to the breakroom’s coffeemaker. Not that the integration to the coffeemaker is any relevant, but I decided to still ad it. Because I can.

 Someone might think that it’s difficult to get employees to keep track and update my Excel. But it’s not. Because I make them do that. My engineering approach to Kotter’s change management encourages them to regularly open file D:\Common Files\BD\Strategy2021\Latest and update their part of advancement data. No problem.

I’m proud of my strategy! I’m proud of my Excel! Every time I whistle my way down to the corporation’s annual strategy seminar. I iron my shirt with utmost piety. I fold my handkerchief to the perfect triangle. I’m ready. Ready to reveal my precious child to everyone. Ready for people to pat me on the back. Ready for the frantic applauds.

But then, when I finally represent our perfect corporate strategy to everyone, no one understands it! Are they idiots? 

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